That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
