I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
