Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize