a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
vagina is talking i cant
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i drank out of a bidet.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
