if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
