Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I had to cum in my sink.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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