i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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