Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
