I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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