i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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