I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
