i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
