just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
