porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
