I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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