I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
