i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
