im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
