You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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