How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
