I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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