the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I wear drunk well.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
