Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
