I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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