the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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