I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
