There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
