I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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