When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
