I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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