Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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