I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
