So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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