you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
