Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
