there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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