Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
