I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
