Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
