So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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