My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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