Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
