My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This is my gift to your gina
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
