Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
