i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It's never too late to be topless.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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