She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
