He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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