Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
