this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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