i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
