If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
