found the other keg... it's in the tree
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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