My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
