Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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