The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize